My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
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Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
yeah not falling for this one
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I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Stick it to the man
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”