You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
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*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.