China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
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There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*