On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 馃槗
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Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My daughter鈥檚 school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can鈥檛 find and set them loose in your home.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Teamwork makes the dream work.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can鈥檛 stop thinking about it.
me: you think i鈥檓 too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we鈥檙e starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don鈥檛 answer
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won鈥檛 stop texting me.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
All I鈥檓 saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.