“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
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Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.