10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.