A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
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Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
anyone else like Italian cereal
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.