I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.