I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
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I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Shortcut
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”