Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

😁

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.