Make new friends? bro out of what?
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Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please