“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
You Might Also Like
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.