I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
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[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.