Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
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So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Got him!
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My zodiac sign is pistachio
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.