just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy