when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
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Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Don’t we all.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.