Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
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Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg