Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
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3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
repaired
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.