[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
You Might Also Like
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!