Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
You Might Also Like
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
what the
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
This January has 47 Mondays
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.