Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
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HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.