Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
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When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.