(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.