16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
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COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*