My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
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Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.