I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
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Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.