Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
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When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien