This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
You Might Also Like
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price