Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
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It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Pandas 🐼🖤
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.