me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
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Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover