“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
You Might Also Like
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Cannot stop laughing at this
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.