*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants