Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No