Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
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I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Going into Monday like
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”