To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
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Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.