In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
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The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
love it when they get my name right
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Mhm.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
how was your vacation
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*