Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.