Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
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In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.