My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.