As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
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Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]