🤣😂
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When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Saturday
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now