Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
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I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle