I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
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“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Are we there yet?…
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.