I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
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My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?