This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
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If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Safety first
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know