Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Is this you?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
set yourself free xox
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?