Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
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Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.