contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
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power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.