My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
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old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Name another movie that mislead you?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo