My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.